I am not Superwoman after all

I had the most humbling experience yesterday. Was it only yesterday when I still had my baby growing within me? Yes. And it was also yesterday when I found out that he was gone. 48 hours ago, we saw the pulsating beat of his heart on the ultrasound monitor. But yesterday, we saw it gone, vanished from the screen. I was numb at first, just accepting the apologetic words of the radiologist. But when we got to our room, the news sunk in: We lost our baby.

I should have taken the signs well. I should have rested more when I felt tired and sleepy. I should have been more careful given that I didn’t have the usual pregnancy symptoms. I should have, I should have, I should have. So many regrets. So many guilty feelings and thoughts. My doctor assured me that it was nothing I did or did not do. This was because of the formation of the baby. Still, I can’t help but feel that things could have been avoided, things could have been better.

I wanted this baby. I already imagined him to be a boy with Alyssa’s curls and Nadine’s eyes and Raya’s smile. It hurts that I would never see that, never see him. I am not angry. I am not questioning God and His ways and I trust in His infinite wisdom on why things happen like this. I just feel sad. Sad beyond words.

Like I said, it was a humbling experience. I used to pride myself in how I am able to juggle everything for my family. I am the home manager, the cook, the driver, the teacher, the doctor, the budget officer, the psychologist, the lawyer, the judge. I used to tease Mier, “What would you do without me?” And yet here was something beyond my control. And I know this hurt not only me but as well as Mier and the girls.

I know that there are others who have far worse experience than this. I never really thought it would happen to me. It still seems so surreal. Acceptance is difficult but it is essential to move on. A lot of times I find myself just sobbing uncontrollably for our loss. It hurts and the pain is so real.

I tried to answer the girls' questions as honestly as possible and truthfully admitted to them that some questions just had no answers. Yes, some questions have no answers just as some things are beyond our capacities. We just have to trust in Him and His ways. We are moving on. No, we will never forget him but in time, I know the pain will subside and and we can talk about what happened without tearing up anymore. In His time.