Hopeful

It has been quite a hectic week and a roller coaster of emotions for us. Cerise went to see her pediatrician again last week to assess her growth and if she has improved with the steps that we have undertaken. It was disheartening to find out that again she did not gain weight. Her weight two weeks ago was the same as last week! How can that be? It was so frustrating. I could feel the pain in my heart boring a deep hole. I've sacrificed and worked hard in helping her gain and yet it was all in vain.

Her doctor suggested to supplement my breastmilk with formula. If he asked me that a month or a week ago, I might have said no and let me work on her weight gain through breastmilk. But right then and there I felt that I needed to give her formula too. I wanted her to gain weight so badly already before it's too late, before I regret it, before something happens that might be detrimental to her health.

He also recommended that Cerise be checked by a pedia-gastroenterologist when we go to Manila. And since we'd be going to Manila on the 18th pa, Mier and I decided that Cerise and I should fly off for a few days to have Cerise checked immediately. We were able to get in touch with a pedia-gastro from St. Luke's Hospital and bought tickets right away.

Thank God the pedia-gastro cleared Cerise from liver and abdominal problems. She said that she believes that this isn't a metabolic problem and that Cerise expends too much energy breastfeeding. She suggested that I quantify her milk intake by pumping milk and giving it to her through a bottle. Cerise should be taking 8oz of milk aside from breastfeeding.

Honestly, I don't think I can pump 8oz of milk everyday. Although I do have stored milk at home, this won't be enough and it would be a struggle for me to reach that goal. Pumping takes time. As it is, I am taking too much time with Cerise already. I need to be able to bond with the other girls too. Thus, with a heavy heart, I've decided to continue to mix feeding. My goal is for Cerise to gain weight as soon as possible and if formula is the key for that then it is so. I tried my best and did what I could.

I went to have Cerise checked again yesterday, this time by a pedia-cardiologist. It was great to find out that Cerise finally gained! 100 grams. Not much but something. I am hopeful that things will get better soon. We are scheduled for a 2D Echo tomorrow and I pray that I will hear good news.

I forgot to mention, on our way home from Manila, Cerise was crying in the plane. She refused to feed either from the breast or the bottle and I was feeling really down. But when I looked out of the window, there was a rainbow among the clouds. Not a full one, just half a rainbow and I wasn't sure if it was visible only to me. But I felt God's presence and his assurance that all will be well. I am hopeful.