But this was different. I had a feeling, a pull to read it. Maybe it was the Holy Spirit urging me to open that email and read it before going down to get the lab results. The forwarded mail was an article by Cathy Babao-Guballa from the Philippine Daily Inquirer about Holding Patterns. It was an interesting read moreso because I am in a Holding Pattern right now. She defines a Holding Pattern as "the oval or circular path of an aircraft flying around an airport awaiting permission to land." But she says this can be correlated to life's situations, that God can put us in Holding Patterns for us to learn, for us to trust, for us to put our faith in Him.
I was about to go down to the hospital to pick up Cerise's blood results. The truth is, I was afraid of the results. I was afraid that she will need more tests. I was afraid that medications may not be working. I was just afraid. But this article just reinforced that I needed to continue to surrender everything to Him. Whether good news or bad news, I needed to trust in His process.
I guess there was a reason for reading that article first before going down. It prepared me somewhat of how things would be. Cerise's results were not very good. Her hypothyroid has acted up indicating that her medication is not enough and needed to be increased. Her liver tests showed that liver enzymes went up, higher than it's previous test. Only her Ionized Calcium was within normal range but I need a confirmation from the Geneticist if this is okay. I still await for her email.
But despite my reading that mail, I felt sad. Beyond sad. Devastated actually. Here I am trying my ultimate best to do what needs to be done for Cerise to get better. And yet, it doesn't seem enough. How many times should my heart break into pieces? How many times should my tears fall down? How many times should I feel broken and useless? I don't know. Only God can tell. I implore Him to make things better for her sake, not mine. I cringe with every blood exam. I just want her to be normal and healthy.
I consulted with Cerise's pediatrician. Her thyroid is being addressed now with the increase of medication. For her liver, we opted for a liver ultrasound to see if there are abnormalities in it. Cerise is not jaundiced. There are no other indication of her liver problem aside from the levels. God heard part of my prayer as her ultrasound turned out normal. "The liver is normal in size and echopattern. No focal lesion. The intrahepatic ducts are not dilated. The vascular structures are intact." That's normal as normal could be.
Her pediatrician suggested to wait and observe first until thyroid is normalized. We will just repeat her tests three to four weeks from now and see from there. At least somehow there is hope. Time to pray and ask God to make everything well.
On a lighter note, Cerise looks healthy and well. She has gained 600 grams in 3 weeks time and looks fuller and better now. She is progressing slowly but positively. She holds her head up high better now and can turn already to her tummy although her arm still gets in the way. She recognizes faces and gets stranger anxiety. She follows me and her daddy around and can say the syllables MAMAMA and DADADADA. She is very observant and always looks around. She is now eating well too --- pureed fruits and vegetables.
We have an appointment to see a Developmental Pediatrician on Monday for evaluation. I hope that we can continue monitoring and helping Cerise so she can lead a more normal life. In the meantime, I pray that God molds me to be better in this virtue of patience and waiting. That I learn to surrender fully in His ways, no matter how difficult it may be.
My pretty Cerise
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