I was an excited new mom when I had Nadine, my first born, 10 years ago. I knew I wanted to do my best in taking care of this new person for whom I am now responsible for. I tried to breastfeed long but because of lack of support wasn't able to sustain it. However, I wore Nadine in a baby carrier (as slings were not readily available yet then) as I noticed that she preferred that over the stroller. I also co-slept because it seemed that my baby didn't like sleeping in her brand new crib. Basically, I followed my instinct as a mom. I picked up my baby when she cried and responded positively to her needs and wants. I didn't believe in spoiling a baby as they can hardly express themselves. I worked around what I felt was right rather than what the "oldies" said should be done. In return, I had a happy and secure baby.
Then while browsing through Booksale one day, I found the book,
The Ministry of Parenting Your Baby by Dr. William Sears and wife-nurse Martha Sears. It actually amazed me that my parenting approach actually had a term --- Attachment Parenting. AP encourages bonding with your baby at the earliest time possible. As I understand it, when you are well-bonded with your baby then you become sensitive to her needs. And when you respond lovingly and timely to what she is asking for then trust is developed in the parent-child relationship. The baby trusts that the parent will meet her needs. And as the baby grows older, that trust eventually develops too.
Reading the book, I felt affirmed with my maternal instincts. The information I got reinforced and enhanced my desire to develop strong connections with my children. With the birth of Raya, Alyssa and Cerise, I developed my confidence in connecting with them and establishing that bond early on. Breastfeeding, babywearing and co-sleeping were the norm in our home.
Although these are mere tools (
7 Baby B's) to achieving AP, I wouldn't say that they are absolute. I didn't breastfeed Nadine and Cerise long but that doesn't mean that I am less connected with them than Raya and Alyssa whom I breastfed for more than a year. As long as the end goal is better understanding of your children, then that would suffice.
I believe that being attuned to them and their needs and feelings are what helped my girls be sensitive likewise to other people and animals as well. I've always admired Nadine's high EQ, Raya's different perspective on things and Alyssa's confidence and security. Because I know each and every one of them, know their personalities and characters, I also know how to deal with them effectively. That trust that was once one-way (baby trusting parents) has become two-way. I now also trust them and expect that they would respond accordingly to situations.
I think I now reap the benefits of Attachment Parenting as I've be
en told many times that
my girls are well-behaved and respectful whether I am around or not. They have shown good self-esteem and confidence in themselves. This makes me proud beyond words because they know what is expected of them even without being reminded.
But parenting, of course, does not end here. It is a continuous process and I'll be the first to say that my girls are not really as perfect as they seem. We still have a long way to go. Heck, we haven't even touched the teen years yet! Ha!
How do we keep on using AP as the child grows older? I think the key here is to stay connected with the kids. Nadine and Raya are now 10 and 8 respectively. They are in grade school where they have built relationships with other people --- classmates, teachers, etc. But one thing I noticed, that no matter how far they venture off to build other relationships, there is always a need to reconnect with me and their dad. I think AP comes in here by being sensitive to their need to reconnect and being readily available for that.
How then can we maintain that connectedness while are children are growing up? Three things that I picked up from a video shown in an activity in school may help us in doing this:
1. Have at least one meal together in a day. When the kids start growing up and having activities outside the family, it would be good to have such a rule in the family. I remember that when I was in college, my siblings and I were all expected to be home by dinnertime. If dinner is not possible, then have it at breakfast time. Mealtimes are usually an opportunity to talk about their day or their lives. (Like breastfeeding)
2. Bonding while in the car. With the traffic and the distances in the city, use this opportunity to open up a conversation with your child/children. The good thing about being in the car, especially if you're driving is that you don't have to make eye contact. Hehe! Just listen to what your child has to say or listen while she converses with others friends in the car and get to know them more by their comments and their thoughts. (Like babywearing)
3. Have a nighttime ritual. You need not sleep beside them at night. But right after they've prepared for bed, sneak in to tuck them in or say their prayers with them or just ask how there day was in a nutshell. And before leaving the room, a goodnight kiss and an "I love you!" would be the best send off to dreamland. (Like co-sleeping)
Parenting isn't easy. We all want to bring up children who are sensitive and confident and a joy to be with. Being connected can help us achieve that. These are just stuff I've read or learned about that I want to apply in my life. Some will work, some won't. I guess I will have to sift through and see what's best for me and my girls. If you have any more ideas on how to do that, I'd be happy to hear them! We all do our best given our own and unique situations.
