Failure to Thrive

Failure to Thrive. This was the medical description the pediatrician used to describe Cerise today. We went for her 2 month checkup and was surprised that she didn't gain weight. In fact, she lost 0.100 grams from last month.

I sort of knew that she didn't gain a considerable amount of weight from last month. She seemed thinner to me, her bones more pronounced. When I look at her pictures when she was still a newborn, she was definitely meatier. But I was hoping that I was wrong. And that my efforts the past week would be enough to help her gain a little. I have been pumping my breastmilk and feeding her both by bottle and directly. I know it helped a little because I feel that she is heavier now when we carry her. But I have to admit that I was very disappointed (and perhaps hurt) with her weight loss.

Her pedia ordered a CBC. Being in that room with the lab technician extracting blood from her brought back memories of how we were more than a month ago when Cerise was diagnosed with sepsis. I tried to fight back the tears and prayed that results of the CBC would not be bad.

It turns out that Cerise is anemic. Her red blood cells are low and this may be a reason for her failure to thrive. Her pedia says it still might be a result of the sepsis. Her platelet count is very high which indicates that the antibiotics given to her are still in effect in her body. Iron and Vitamin C (which helps in the absorbption of iron) were prescribed as well as a medicine that would help her absorb protein. Hopefully this will help her. I intend to go back in 2 weeks,  instead of next month, for a reevaluation. I would rather know if it works or not so steps can be made if it doesn't.

A urinalysis was also ordered but I still have to collect the urine for evaluation. I will do that tomorrow. The good news from the pedia visit was that her heart murmur has lessened. It is still there but not as much as before. Cerise will have her 2D echo and pedia-cardio visit next month.

When we got home this afternoon, all the disappointment and hurt came out and I had to cry it out. Weeks before the doctor's visit I felt insecure about my breastmilk. I knew that I had milk because I fed Raya and Alyssa for more than a year. But still, seeing Cerise made me feel that it might be me. It didn't help that people would ask if I had enough milk. Or comments would be made that my milk is not nutritious enough for her. That was why I started pumping and feeding Cerise extra ounces through the bottle. It isn't easy to pump, wash and sterilize but I made the efforts all for her. But still it wasn't enough, it was all in vain.

The pedia assured me that it wasn't me. That the problem was Cerise's ability to absorb the nutrients. But I couldn't help but feel bad. I hope that all will be well soon. I pray to God and to Mama Mary that things will get better soon.