Bottlefeeding with Love

For those who really know me, I am a staunch breastfeeding advocate. Ever since I gave birth to Nadine, my firstborn, and failed to breastfeed her for more than 2 months because of lack of support, I've been encouraging and helping others breastfeed their babies and continue doing so for as long as they want. Together with other mothers and friends, I co-founded LATCH (Lactation, Attachement, Training, Counseling and Help), a non-profit, hospital-based organization that offers mother-to-mother support and services to new parents. I am a breastfeeding peer counselor trained in lactation education, early intervention and mother support. I have encouraged and supported numerous friends and acquaintances and even my two sisters in successfully breastfeeding their children.

So many are surprised to see me giving Cerise, my 4 month old, a bottle of formula. At two and a half months, when she was still failing to thrive, I gave in to the doctor's suggestion to supplement my breastmilk with formula. I knew that if I gave in, there would be a big possibility that I might eventually stop breastfeeding. But I did it. When you see your child so frail and fragile, and not gaining weight despite your efforts, your become desperate. And I was just that. Desperate. Desperate that she would gain, that she would be bigger, that she would be a healthy and normal baby.

The only way I could quantify Cerise's milk intake was to give her milk in a bottle. Yes, I could pump and I did try. But pumping 24 ounces a day (which was the normal milk intake of an infant her age) would require a lot of time from me. And as it is, I had my time divided among her, her 3 other sisters, my husband an my household. I needed to prioritize. I did try pumping. And I did try breastfeeding for as long as I could. But eventually my breastmilk waned (breastfeeding is demand and supply) and she now relies on formula for her milk intake.

Do I feel bad about it? Yes and no. Yes, because I know that breastmilk is still the best and I want nothing but the best for her and for my other girls. No, because I know that I have done what I could and I have to accept the fact that sometimes, things cannot go the way we want it to. I've come to realize that giving her formula in a bottle does not mean I love her less.

I don't just give the bottle just so she can take in the milk. I always do it with Cerise in my arms just like breastfeeding, even if it is late in the night or early in the morning. And almost always, I hold her hand and look at her face. I make it a point to make feeding a communication, a bonding session. And when she falls asleep while feeding, it is my face that she sees last.

I want her to feel that I am still the one nourishing her and that the bottle is just the vessel of the milk. :-)